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Keep the seat Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
Fed up with oral sex? Stop your girlfriend from giving you blow jobs by marrying her.
Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
Brighten up dull Monday mornings at work by concealing a bottle of vodka in your jacket pocket and taking swigs from it at regular intervals throughout the day.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day (the day after Christmas for our US readers. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under the tables and inside lampshades, then turning on the shower every time you want to speak.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding 2 bottles of bleach, then urinating into it before jumping in.
People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty Toblerone chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
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